All the Light Behind the Curtain

This is a guest post by Jacqui Holmes

I had the most vivid dream months ago. You know the type, where it feels so real and you are living in it as if you are wide awake.

In my dream I was standing in a dark room with nothing in it besides an old vintage chandelier hanging from a white ceiling. I could just see the back of myself, a shadow, but not my face, yet I still knew it was me as it was alive, in real time.

At the end of the room was a thin, white curtain that wasn’t closed completely. There were parts of the curtain that were ripped and someone had made an attempt to sew the holes closed with black twine. Peering through the centre of the curtain, I could see a mass of vivid lights. Where the light came between the centre of the curtains, it cast a ray of bright light across the middle of the floor in the room, while small patches of light penetrated between the rudimentary stitching where the ripped sections of curtain had been mended.

I reached out to try and open the curtain but someone was behind it, pulling it closed again. When I tried to tear new holes to let more light through, a hand with a needle and twine would quickly sew it shut again.

I had no idea at the time what this dream meant. It touched my soul deeply and before I forgot the details, I painted it on a small canvas and hung it in my office.

Later the meaning of the dream would become clear to me.

In August of 2023, I injured my back and required non evasive medical intervention. Two weeks after the treatment in October of 2023, I suffered what they called a catastrophic fracture to my left ankle and I am now the proud owner of 2 plates and 11 screws that effectively keep my ankle together.

The dream was a path to healing. It was not just a physical journey but an emotional, psychological and spiritual journey. It was a journey of fear, profound sadness, and hard lessons that were meant to be learned but ultimately profound healing and masses of wonderful light.

I was on a roller coaster of busy-ness. Running from one thing to the other, participating in some tough physical training, running my business and involved in other things that are close to my heart, that I felt the need to contribute to.

Then the universe said “STOP”. So, I did because I had no choice. I was incapacitated; could almost do nothing for myself and was so foggy in my head from the surgeries and pain medication.

I was taken care of, assisted, visited and loved by some people. The frustration was almost debilitating. My life existed between my bed, the couch (if I was having a good day) and the bathroom.

I learned that one or two of the closest people to me were not actually friends, but impatient, judgemental and cruel. I was told I needed to get over it. There were people much worse off than me. I was regaled with tales of other people who had injured their ankles and they were up and about in no time, embarking on all sorts of adventures in spite of their injury. But I was not them. My injury was different. My responses different, my coping methods different. My experience was and still remains valid with all that comes with it.

I was not being punished. I was being slowed down, to think, to reassess, to protect my boundaries and to create some new ones, which unfortunately (or possibly fortunately) changed a friendship or two forever. Maybe I was being shown something, not only important things about my own strength and resilience, but also the true motivations and feelings of those I had once held dear.

My message in sharing my experience with you is to encourage you, that whatever you encounter and your reactions to those experiences are valid. They are unique to you and they are to be respected.

Embrace the changes, the temporary inconveniences and the grief if you must, for some of the pain of losing someone and/or something along the way. Their time on your journey is at an end. A new season is coming with the healing and it’s going to be amazing! Be kind to yourself and ignore all the self-righteous judgemental souls who think they know better. It’s not their journey.

There will always be those who don’t want the light to shine on you and will do everything in their power to pull the curtain closed to shut you out. They will sew together the small places where light also gets through with criticism, hatred, prejudice and disrespect.

Always. Always keep your sense of humour. In all of the challenges I have faced, I have found something to laugh about, hysterical, snorting through your nose, tummy ache, gasping for breath funny. Share that with someone.

Take both hands and with everything you have in you, pull that curtain right down off its rails and let the light in. You will be strong enough to. Then burn the curtain and walk into the light. The light being your one, true and authentic self.