Stories and How We Communicate with Each Other

Everyone has a story or more to tell and maybe to share.  

Our stories help us identify with our past; they assist us in navigating the here and now. Stories are uniquely personal as they influence our perceptions, values and interactions with the world.

Our stories are important.

I am of the opinion that as much as it is important to communicate and share our stories with others, we need to learn how to listen to other people’s stories, with interest, curiosity, without judgement or advice.  Just listen with the intention of understanding – really understanding.

Have you ever sat with a group of people and noticed how two or three folks hold the floor while others just sit there listening, not even given the chance to voice an opinion. On the odd occasion when there is a lull in the conversation and someone other than those doing all the talking manages to get a word in, they are interrupted mid-sentence!  I don’t know about you, I find gatherings like this deeply problematic, arrogant, rude and frustrating. In fact I try to avoid them at all costs.  

We are living in trying times  –  people, government agencies, structures and infrastructure, like the state of our roads are in complete disarray and a mess.

However, all is not lost, we have each other and our stories of hope, overcoming diversity, surviving loss, survival and restoration of self and dignity.

Therefore, I believe we need to do some self-reflection on how we conduct ourselves and how we treat each other’s stories, are we kind, do we make the storyteller feel safe and appreciated, and above all, do we listen with empathy thereby giving others the opportunity to freely share who they are and where they have been.

Do we honour the person telling their stories about their fears, disappointments, sadness.

Or even joy, happiness, achievement and success.

Do we listen with respect and intention and empathy or do we humiliate, make fun of, even berate with cruel remarks masked as “teasing”.

I think what I am trying to say is that we need to learn to listen with empathy – all of us need to be empathetic, because, people, we all suck at this “listening with empathy” thing!

Empathy:

“Let me hold the door for you.  I may have never walked in your shoes, but I can see your soles are worn, your strength is torn under the weight of a story I have never lived before.

Let me hold the door for you.  After all you have walked through, it is the least I can do” 

-Megan Harper Nichols

Please.  Can we learn to practise listening with empathy, to think before we belittle someone or their story and then mask it as “I was only teasing!”

As hard and painful as this may sound, living in these uncertain times affects our mental health and some folks are in the middle of a critical inner battle.

Some of us deal with a demon called anxiety, some people have feelings of low self-worth and feel invisible to some people or who are mocked for simply being who they are.

Oh yes, and before I forget, I am not for one moment suggesting that we need to put up with folks who display aggressive or narcissistic tendencies – my advice, calmly walk away,  (I need to head my own advice – sometimes I yell at people like that!!!). And we should never forget to put healthy boundaries in place.  

During COVID I signed up with Narrative 4, an organization dedicated to building compassionate environments in schools and communities through the power of storytelling.  They offer programs, training and resources to facilitate meaningful connection between students, teachers and the wider world.  The key being to listen with empathy

Narrative 4’s core programme, the Story Exchange, is a novel approach to storytelling.  In this process, two participants pair up and share authentic stories from their lives.  Later in a group setting, each person recounts their partner’s story in the first person, retelling it as if it were their own, bringing people closer to the lived experience of others 

Narrative 4 teaches people to listen with empathy and intent.

My first experience of a story exchange was daunting and terrifying.  I prepared my story well in advance.  Due to the time difference I was at my laptop at 10:00 pm ready and waiting to participate in a two hour long process with folks (strangers) from Mexico, America and Ireland and South Africa (me).

Just before the whole thing started I went into flight mode.  However, I had logged on and was already welcomed by our wonderful host Michael McRay.  After the rules of engagement was explained to us by Michael and the “do’s and don’ts” – we were paired off and went into separate zoom rooms and this story exchange began.  Let me tell you I cannot for the life of me remember my story, but I can remember my partner’s story, down to the finest detail.  Sorry, I can’t share it with you as we signed a confidentiality clause.

What an experience, what an amazing, wonderful, frightening experience of having to retell her story…… as my own….. to a larger gathering.  

In the act of sharing someone else’s story as my own, I become aware of  the fact that I needed to responsible, respectful, truthful, kind and above all else, empathetic.

After all I am retelling a complete stranger’s story as my own – and in so doing I am saying – I listened and I am respectfully telling this (your) story as my own.

In order to satisfy your curiosity – week after next, Tobago and I will be presenting a recorded story exchange so that you, the reader, can get a feeling of what this process is like and how important it is to be honourable in the sharing of stories.

I hear you, I see you and I value you.

To be continued…