Happiness is…

I am no comedian. I am actually a pretty serious guy with some pretty serious thoughts and most of the time I’m a man on some pretty serious missions. So people are often surprised when they’ve gotten to know the brooding Brad and (plot twist) subsequently learnt there is a mischievous streak to him as well.

I credit my witty and playful nature to the fact both my bloodlines run deep in Scotland. Carefree and light-hearted, the Scots (like the Irish) are honest, reliable and compassionate, but above all else, enjoy a good laugh, or naughty endeavour.

I have extremely fond childhood memories of amazing grandparents on both sides of the family. The sheer scope and scale of the stories, folklore, Scottish Gaelic poems and songs, jokes, old BBC shows, and light-hearted “natter” (as my Nana used to call it) was the stuff every grandchild should experience. Growing up was an extremely happy and blessed period for me (the eldest) and my brothers, Ashley and Cameron, and a little later on in life, my sister, Candice. It also helped that we are blessed to have two extremely selfless, generous, wise, and exceptionally gifted parents, Ian and Merle.

Sadly, as is fact, not everyone had or will have a similar experience growing up, nor do their life circumstances always allow them the same fortune. This was made evident when, as I grew older and met new people, I realised not everyone has reason or cause to be happy. Whether due to their environment, abuse, abject poverty, or medical reasons, not everyone has the same outlook or pathway in life. It went a step further for me, where school friends and later colleagues would exclaim: “you are always happy…you definitely do not belong here!“.

This was a big “the bubble has burst” moment for me very early on in life and an end to innocence and naiveté on my part. “So you’re saying not everyone grew up happy? Not everyone grew up in a good home? Not everyone has the same start in life?“…I would think to myself. And this realisation made me terribly sad and upset for thinking otherwise. I felt even more sadness when I met people in my life who were suffering from deeply debilitating emotional pain. Physical pain is something that can usually be dulled with medication, but emotional and mental suffering…in silence and alone…is extremely insidious.

This undeniable and inescapable truth makes me think of the quote:

“The purpose of life, as far as I can tell… is to find a mode of being that’s so meaningful that the fact that life is suffering is no longer relevant.”
― Jordan B. Peterson, Maps of Meaning: The Architecture of Belief

Jordan B. Peterson believes that life is suffering. And I tend to agree. If you look back at the entirety of life and all of its hardships and challenges from further on down the road – one would say those peaks were pretty darn tough. Some of them would have been some truly terrible things…huge obstacles that seemed insurmountable at the time, until they were not…followed by a period of temporary relief and/or happiness. So it is no big secret then that life is indeed suffering. I would call Jordan B. Peterson’s quote a fairly accurate and concise one.

So what is happiness then, if it is so unattainable for some and barely here nor there for others? Well, the clues lie a little in Jordan B. Peterson’s insightful quote and in life itself.

Lately, I have been keenly observing life as it unfolds around me. I am seeing a lot of miserable faces. And for good reason. There is a lot to be miserable about. I don’t think I need to list countless reasons; suffice to say that human beings face an unprecedented barrage of consistently negative news.

It is not always easy staying chipper when life feels like you are riding the big dipper. Sometimes it feels like you are just holding on for dear life, white-knuckled and going through the motions. Eyes wide, mouth agape and (‿ˠ‿) cheeks clenched, is how a lot of people still live their daily. I know, because I see them…looking exactly as I have just described, scurrying about, making ends meet, making meetings end and ending the day on a strong note. And by note, I don’t mean the written or musical kind.

I know this all too well, because when I ventured out into life after academia it was to pursue and obtain the great apartment, the GTI, the big pay check and the accumulation of things to make me happy. It’s no surprise that these things didn’t magically bring me happiness. Nor did it bring about the slightest bit of long term comfort. They were merely traps to keep me distracted from facing my own internal demons, challenges and growth points.

The steps I took to get closer to the sense of inner happiness I felt growing up were to:

1. Be extremely ruthless in cutting out people, places and things that brought me more pain than happiness (this was a great challenge considering I err on the side of immediately trusting people or wanting to help them);
2. Spend an inordinate amount of time alone, with my own thoughts and feelings, recharging until I felt the urge to revisit the world;
3. Declutter my own living space and immediate environment;
4. Reduce my list of material possessions to things I absolutely needed or garnered joy from;
5. Focus my energy purely on the things I could influence or control;

The above is a list of five you will find on every blog and in every self-help book in circulation. So those go without saying and likely fall on deaf ears with a lot of eye-rolling.

The next five life events, however, were the ones that completely changed and continue to change my entire outlook on life, its meaning and lessons:

• First – loss
• Second – betrayal
• Third – purpose
• Fourth – addition
• Fifth – subtraction

1. Loss | Life is there, until it is not

We take for granted those closest to us, until they are no longer there to appreciate. We have this inkling of an idea that life will just carry on as normal and we will deal with death when it arrives for us, foolishly forgetting that it is bound to snatch someone we love before that. So when the first familial fatality strikes at the worst possible time and in the worst possible way, we are brought back to reality with truly devastating consequences. Our grandparents, parents, siblings, best friends, and even our pets are gifts with the potential to profoundly enrich our lives. If we weren’t so distracted by less meaningful things, we would recognise the importance of prioritising our relationships with them. Alas, too little is too late, and later is in fact not better than never. Earlier is where we need to focus. We need to start early by sowing seeds in each other’s lives, allowing others to do the same in ours, and using the time we have now to appreciate them.

My first loss of my grandfather, Aubrey, was hard and it didn’t get any easier. My gran, Alma, passed away shortly thereafter. Then, later on in life, I lost my closest ties to Scotland – Nana and Papa. A loss clearly magnified by the lens of nostalgia…Nothing hits quite as hard as losing the people with whom you shared such vividly happy memories.

That is to say, I learnt my first important lesson here – happiness is relationships.

2. Betrayal | Here be dragons

Whether in working, friendly, or romantic relationships, we are bound to attract, meet or associate with people who are just not right for us. And that is ok. Each to their own. The trick is to become incredibly proficient at differentiating between friend and foe. Some people add to our lives. Some people subtract. Some people waste our time – a precious resource and one you should be selfishly protecting. Even worse, some people thrive on chaos and destruction.

My advice for myself here is, and always will be, to keep my circle small. As selfish as it sounds, time is finite, social connections are not. By choosing my connections wisely, I am not only managing my time, but I am also ensuring I can spend it with the people I appreciate and those who in turn appreciate me. If someone is wasting my time, they are neither respectful nor appreciative of me, which is grounds for a gracious disconnect.

Having others cross my path, walk with me for a while, stay indefinitely, or even disrupt my life is all part of the learning process. We learn what we like and don’t like and what we will and won’t put up with. You are a lot more deserving of good things than you may give yourself credit for – don’t put up with things that do not serve you or your higher self.

That is to say, I learnt my second important lesson here – happiness is growing.

3. Purpose | A mode of being so meaningful

I left school, studied accounting, trained in auditing and ended my corporate career as a financial manager. I knew for a long time that I did not gain any fulfilment from the work I was doing. There was no heart in it, no soul, no burning desire propelling me to new levels of enlightenment. I was, for all intents and purposes, a number crunching, people managing, I must be dying, eight to five-ing, end-the-day crying shell of my former happier self and it was only a matter of time before my energy changed direction and, along with it, my course.

I dropped corporate and embraced self-employment. With that came more responsibility, but on my terms and in my time. I quickly set about obtaining great clients, doing great work, obtaining excellent referrals and pouring all of my love and energy for people and my interests into my craft. My hobby and love of technology had basically become my income generating machine which was fuelled and maintained by home call outs, business consulting, a tech column in The Weekend Post, the occasional guest lecture and now a passive income driven business in hosting and developing creative online projects.

I can concur that Mark Twain’s quote: “find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life” does indeed hold true. I have had such an epic journey meeting wholesome people, forging great relationships and having fun while toiling day and night on challenging and exciting projects that I sometimes forget to remember I am gainfully unemployed. My failures and successes are my own…I have myself to blame or congratulate if I drop or juggle all twelve thousand three hundred and forty five balls.

For the aforementioned reasons and after careful measurement of my own success, I can wholeheartedly recommend you perform a complete course correction when you no longer feel a burning passion and desire to wake up and pursue your own definition of “purpose“. If you are planning on doing something exciting with your life…you should speed read to the end of this article and get out there and do it. You have but only one life, this one shot…there is no other and no do-over.

That is to say, I learnt my third important lesson here – happiness is purpose.

4. Addition | A creative force

My brother, Ashley, and sister-in-law, Catherine, brought one of the most beautiful, caring, funny, clever, confident and cutest little girls into this world. Her name is Mackenzie Grace and she is a miracle baby and a delightful breath of fresh air in our family. There is so much to be learned through the eyes of a child seeing everything for the first time. That sense of wonder and excitement for every little moment is something we left by the wayside when we hitched a ride on the Big Girl and Boy Bus. You don’t have to be so darn mature and serious all of the time, you know? You are allowed to act like a complete and utter fool if it is in the name of fun and in pursuit of youthful exuberance. Just ask Mackenzie – she was forever asking “what Bradley doin’?” when I was spending time reading, puzzling, playing with her or wearing her sunglasses and having an important party planning discussion with her pink unicorn. I think she sees me as her crazy Funcle.

The creative acts of having fun, making art, preparing food, being silly – even the creation of life – are the ultimate expressions of self, and nature’s invitation to discover joy and happiness.

That is to say, I learnt my fourth important lesson here – happiness is creation.

5. Subtraction | Losing the things that “matter“

I like to say yes to challenges in life and pledge to figure things out later. This keeps me constantly engaged in research mode, learning new things, failing, grappling with one solution while inching toward another. This process of constantly and relentlessly placing myself under pressure means I am often pushed to what I initially believed was the brink of my own abilities. It is uncanny how little faith we have in ourselves and how much sweat we siphon to self-doubt and worry.

Every time another deadline approaches and I ask myself: “How I am going to achieve this? Is this going to fail every new standard I have so foolishly set for myself?“, I blink and suddenly I have either failed miserably and gained new insight or succeeded exponentially and moved onto the next thing. I did not die and I did not fire myself. But I did chuckle in relief, and then I laughed, and then I was momentarily happy again…

You know, this laughter thing is a much greater tool than you realise – not difficult to wield or master and certainly not difficult to plug and play.

A few weeks ago, Gail posted Our Secret Heart Throbs. If you are not yet aware of how this blogging business works, Gail writes her article, sends it to me, I upload it and she reads it online and sends me WhatsApp voice notes for any changes I need to make for her before going live.

I was in a playful mood on this particular occasion and decided I was going to prank Gail. Gail had written about Ben Dekker and how all the ladies would swoon at the mere sight of him. It was “our gorgeous Ben Dekker” this and “my heart skipped a beat at Ben Dekker” that…

So I figured this was the perfect time to make some cheeky changes, upload the article and wait patiently while Gail read all the way past 545 words to the below extract:

“With all the furniture re-arranged, lights, cables, screens, cameras all over the place, producers,
make up people, actors, the old ladies and me, all waiting for action…suddenly there was a hush, a collective silence, all eyes focusing on the reception area, in he padded, almost gliding – this man, this very good looking godlike, six foot and some inches man.

All of us and I mean all of us, from the film crew, actors, staff, old ladies, we were all spell bound.
I somehow think that we all forgot to breathe. He certainly made a grand entrance; muscular, lithe, graceful and elegant, dressed in khaki shirt and shorts and a veldt hat, clearly the man of the moment; ah yes, and then we remembered to breathe.

There in our presence the inimitable, one and only Bradley Millar.”

What follows in the audio clip below was Gail trying to compose herself…click the play button to have a listen.

That is to say, I learnt my fifth important lesson here – happiness is laughter.

Make the choice

If you are constantly forging healthy relationships, learning new things, doing great work, creating and laughing – you have the building blocks for a life of less suffering and more happiness.

A long time ago a young lady who had worked her way past brooding Brad, asked: “I don’t understand…why are you always so happy?…I really need to know“.

I responded: “Because, whenever I am able, I choose to be.“

How do you journey through the world? Do you have any happy stories or memories of your own? Leave them in the comments section below and help inspire others.

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