Thought provoking piece written by my wonderful friend Frances Richardson
I will turn 70 next year and, no, I am not, nor will I ever be, a grandmother.
It seems that once you have retired and your hair has turned grey, people automatically assume that you are also a grandmother.
In all fairness, it is true that all my friends of similar age and most of the people in my social circle are grandparents and most have embraced this role as one of life’s greatest joys. Along with a growing number of people, I will never have this experience (or responsibility).
And although I am often on the receiving end of pitying looks and sympathetic hugs, being grandchild-less is no longer that unusual.
Worldwide, the birth rate is decreasing in most developed countries. In the USA and parts of Europe and the East it has reached an historic low.
In Australia it’s predicted that by 2029 the number of couples without children will outnumber the number of couples who have children. The reasons couples are opting out of parenthood are varied – a desire for independence, career focus, financial considerations, concerns about overpopulation and climate change.
Many say they simply don’t want kids and the responsibilities that come with them. While these are some of the more common reasons, obviously each couple’s decision is highly personal and may be influenced by a combination of factors.
I had never really given much thought to the idea of being a grandmother, but being the mother of two daughters, it always seemed like a given, something that I assumed would happen at some time. Especially as both my daughters are in stable, long-term relationships.
I know that my children would make great parents. They are strong, intelligent women with good careers and a positive outlook on life. But I respect their choice to remain child-free, and I wish other people would too.
This choice has not always made their lives easy. Often it is met with confusion and disbelief from people who are genuinely baffled by the decision.
There were times when they had to distance themselves from friends who openly told them that having children was their duty to society and that it was wrong to deny the world gene pool their intellect and superior genes!
Some couples feel threatened by this less conventional life choice and see it almost as a condemnation of their own lifestyle. They make comments that are hurtful, judgemental and sometimes downright rude.
They also often assume that just because you don’t want children of your own you must dislike children in general. Both my daughters adore children and enjoy spending time with their friends’ little ones. They accept invitations to toddler birthday parties and school concerts, and they are happy to baby-sit on occasion.
It’s just not something they want for themselves.
When it became clear that neither of my girls wanted to be mothers, it wasn’t a shock.
It wasn’t even much of a surprise. From listening to their conversation and opinions over the years and knowing their unique outlook on the world, I think I instinctively knew that they would not want children of their own and I had already quietly come to terms with it.
I completely understand and fully appreciate their reasons, which means that I often find myself defending their decision when I hear people make critical comments or judgements about it.
As for myself, I don’t feel that I need sympathy or condolences.
If I’m honest, I have to admit that I rather like not having to spend my retirement babysitting and entertaining toddlers again. I have also realised that maintaining relationships with grandchildren who live on the other side of the world (sadly, a harsh reality in today’s world) has its own challenges.
It is not easy to develop close bonds with grandchildren you see perhaps once a year and only connect with through a device. Many grandparents will never experience the traditional, close connection with their grandchildren which comes from spending quality time with them throughout their childhood years.
My husband and I have each other. We have friends, and we have a close relationship with our daughters and their partners.
We have the time to travel, to get involved in voluntary work and to pursue different interests. We lead full and meaningful lives despite not having anyone call us granny and grandpa.
This is the reality for a growing number of older people in today’s complicated world.
